Well not ALWAYS but I have wanted this for so long that I don't remember the first time the thought came to my mind. I was like most little girls dreaming of weddings, marriages and children at a young age.
Now reality is sinking in, any day in the month of September I will finally meet this little boy that God has been knitting together. The change of it all brought me to tears last night, my poor husband had no clue what to say or do. He tried to listen but it doesn't make much sense and he tried to give advice but I really didn't want any. Sometimes you just need to cry, sometimes you just need to fall asleep not understanding what is going on inside and sometimes you wake up at 3am hungry for cereal and needing to just write.
I struggle in today's social network society where everyone is "perfect", well that is at least the only things they share and make well known. I am not perfect! I have fear and anxiety that I know I need God to help me with. I have good days, bad days, struggle with anger and have a less than attractive relationship with my mother. I'm messy......my life is messy.
I start with that to say the change that is getting ready to happen in my life freaks me out. I cleaned my desk out at work to prepare for those who will do my job in my absence. I have worked there just shy of 7 years and I have no clue how my "extended vacation" (as my boss likes to call it) will change me. I fear sleepless nights and not knowing how to help a tired crying child. This tiny little human is going to rock my world and that is change I don't understand. I struggle with the change of learning to be a mother and a good wife. With the changes my body will continue to go through and the unknown of it all.
I know I will make mistakes, I know I will mess up, I know I will have victories and I know I have God on my side. I also know I am not the first person to go through this and I have wonderful examples all around me.
But that doesn't make the unknown known.
